Finding meaning.

So.. this past weekend I went to London to visit Jill and Bell- it was amazing! It was so nice to see them and to experience London (we hit up most of the fantastically touristy stops- London Tower, Westminster Abbey, St. Paul's Church, Harrods, London Eye, Buckingham Palace and the changing of the guard, Hyde park, Kensington Palace, Big Ben, Parliament, Notting Hill, and the British Library).  Although I do have so many stories and experiences from this past weekend that I would love to share with ya'll, I think I'm going to spend this blog sharing some things that I've been learning or really coming to terms with lately.  If you want funny stories, skype or email me (or I'm sure Bell and Jill's blogs will be updated soon so you can check them out)...

One thing that everyone told me before I went abroad is that I would learn so much about myself when I got there- I would become more independent, cultured, and be challenged in ways that I had never been before.  They said that I would come back different- matured. 

Until this moment, I didn't really believe them- I have been struggling with anxiety and restlessness over the fact that my study abroad experience was too "easy." After all, they speak English here (or at least a version of it) and I really do only go to class 6 or 7 hours a week.  I was having too much fun/ not enough of the study abroad "cultural difficulties" that I was expecting.  And, in complete honesty, I've had a lot of fun.  I love the people here and there hasn't been a night where I haven't had something to do- a pub to crash, trivia nights, small group, movie nights, or some intense traveling across the UK.  It seems that everywhere I turn there are so many things to delightfully distract me from the "difficulties" of abroad.  How can you be sad or wrestling with deep spiritual, intellectual, and emotional questions or self-discovery when you aren't struggling?  I know this sounds so weird and like I'm attempting to be melodramatic, but it's honestly something I've been really bothered by.

Until now, I thought that I hadn't been learning anything- that I would walk away from this experience unchanged and unchallenged.  But I've realized something while typing this... no matter where you are, who you are with, or what you are doing- you are growing.  I've found that consistently throughout this life journey (and it is a journey, not a destination) we are daily presented with situations or people and in those small, seemingly inconsequential interactions/ decisions, we see who we are (good and bad).  It's the simple conversations between new or old friends, how you chose to deal with seemingly stressful situations (like trying to navigate the public transportation system in Northern Ireland), the moments of pure joy when you realize you can't stop laughing even though it's become physically painful, the silent moments of awe when you are surrounded by so much beauty that you can't even begin to process it, and the moments where you decide to push through and not dwell on your failures because we know that God doesn't.  In a way, I'm coming to realize that there is so much about myself, my God, and this world that I want to understand better. I'm realizing that each day I miss moments and opportunities to love others.  And I'm realizing that although I will continue to miss those opportunities and fall into self-centered patterns, that's part of the journey.  Those failures don't define me. 

And, miraculously, God still relentlessly wants me.  

Is captivated by me. 

Because when He looks at me He doesn't see my "successes" and way them against my "failures" (thank goodness)- He doesn't value what the world values.  He views me as the most beautiful version of myself imaginable- the person He created me to be- renewed and reborn in Christ (as Paul said, our old self is gone, dead).  No matter where I am, He constantly desires to pull me closer to Himself. 

Why is it that we find this almost simplistic, absolute, unrelenting, and passionate love so hard to grasp?  

I think it's because deep down, we realize (or at least I am coming to realize) that His grace and love is so contradictory to the way that the world works that we almost keep looking for a catch- nothing is free. But this is. I think that what I'm trying to come to terms with or realize is that grace has no boundaries and that accepting grace changes you and revolutionizes your perspective. 

Overall, I guess I'm learning that there aren't "meaningful" experiences and ones that aren't- all experiences are God's way of molding us into the people He created us to be.  And He will continue molding us. 

If I settle on the far side of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast- Psalm 139